Life

The days seem to go by faster the older that you get. It seems like just yesterday that I was sending my son to his first day of Kindergarten. He just graduated from high school this past Sunday, and he has plans to attend college this fall. Where does the time go? I am sure that you probably have moments where you find time just slipped by. Maybe you had a visit from relatives that you hadn't seen in a while, you blinked and your time with them was over. Maybe it was the trip of a lifetime that was like heaven on earth that just didn't last long enough. I try to live with intention everyday. Live in the moment they say. It does happen most of the time, but there are moments that get away with me. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety at times. Sometimes it doesn't take anything to get me anxious. Other times it is gripping and causes me to miss out on so many things happening around me. Fear is a controlling weight around my neck at times, or at least it has been in the past. I am working tirelessly to overcome all of my fears, because I am tired of being afraid. This is me being completely real. It is hard to talk about this. I have always been a very private person. I know there is someone out there that may read this someday that can relate. I haven't always been this way. Over ten years ago I was in a very abusive marriage that almost destroyed me. I got lost in my work. He broke so many of my belongings and shattered my soul. I was living a double life. None of my family or coworkers knew what hell I was living with. He threatened to kill me several times. One day I decided it was enough. I started to sink myself into work even more. I worked so hard that I became the number one sales executive in two countries with a large corporation. Not bad for a single mom that lived in poverty for a short while. Then I met my current husband, and was still a workaholic. I was maintaining a level of work that I had achieved the year before, then fast forward to January 29th, 2015... I had a major mental breakdown. One day I was sitting on the front porch of my house and I didn't know who I was and where I was at. You see, I was a major workaholic and I completely crashed and burned. Sometime I will explain more of my background. After that I was for the most part, changed. It was hard for me to get into a car and drive because I was afraid that I was going to have a panic attack. It actually happened to me one day while I was on the highway. I thought I was going to die. Who had I become? I also seemed to get very overwhelmed being around people other than close family for too long, I needed to get away to recharge my batteries. It has been a long road with many counseling sessions, sometimes talking about the same things over and over. Many prayers said on a daily basis to grow through the mental and physical challenges. Courage is facing fear and pushing forward. Uprooting our family to a new place is playing a big part in achieving a paradigm shift that I have needed. God has weathered these storms with me. With him, I have survived, and I will push on.